Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Helplessly Hoping

I am running behind today because I woke up at 5 am worrying about a science test Colin has today.  As though there were anything I could do about it.  I can't.

We spent several hours studying last night, but as we have discussed before, some days it is easier for Colin to retrieve things from his memory. Yesterday was not one of those days.

Testing is never something Colin does very well, and it is just heartbreaking because he puts in the work, but when push comes to shove at test time -- nothing.

I know he's not the only kid who has ever struggled with test paralysis.  Kids without autism sometimes have it too.  How normal of Colin.

Still . . . this is one part I hate.  The sitting around worrying before and during.

As though worrying would change anything . . .


  1. Oh dear...I don't have this worry! I just let what happens happen. I've had to learn to let go. Okay, maybe there are times I am concerned, but I would go nuts worrying about five kids' school work. If they survive school in one piece, I'll be good. :) So, I hope it turned out well?

  2. It's terrific you've achieved that, Roxane! I guess we needed one more kid. ;) I didn't mean my point to be so much about academic performance as how hard it is to watch Colin put so much effort into studying and then not be able to show it when the time came. I haven't gotten over wishing there was something more I could do. I am very grateful to God for creating Colin the way He needs him to be, but my own selfish heart longs for his brain to zap with a little more efficiency.

  3. ML, and I hope I didn't seem callous. Trust me, I have gone through years of being anxious about such things. Now, I am still anxious...but have let go a bit on the grade thing, because, sadly, I can't work the magic. I have had to let go and just accept whatever is. And I don't expect you to be there. It's a process, and our experiences are all unique. When I said, "Oh dear, I don't have this worry!" I meant that...I'm numb and checked out when it comes to...well, the grades of one child in particular, who I know could do much better. I've had to let go...or go insane. I hope my clarification helps. We are all in this together. You are doing a fine job and have a right to feel whatever you are feeling. :)

  4. Thanks for your insight. Having a child with a developmental brain disorder requires a mother to come to many levels of peace in many areas -- daily. Unfortunately I cannot get to all of them every day. :)